Ladies and gents, we’re about to take a trip down the twilight zone of bad taste, via the winding road of the worst Christmas songs ever. Far be it from us to judge, yet we did try. Each of the following songs has it’s share of fans and trolls, as it should be. Some, like “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” are all in good fun and giggles, while others like “Back Door Santa”, are a tad cringe worthy. Christmas song parodies have been around for decades, one just has to look at Mad Magazine for that, and will be for years to come. In short, while Christmas is a most magical time of year, it seems it can’t quite escape those who enjoy poking and pricking its sensitivities, if just a little bit.
10. R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
When one thinks of just how brilliant the original Star Wars film was and is, it’s a bit difficult to contemplate just how the Star Wars Christmas Special came to be. Then, when we factor in its accompanying album, Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album, things get a bit more bizarre. Both the special and album are considered by many to be the absolute worst of their respective genre’s. This was singer Jon Bon Jovi’s first, professional gig as a singer. To be fair, the album was targeted to the younger set, many of whom ate it up. But older Star Wars fans generally viewed it and the songs as something to be forgotten.
9. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
One of the more well-known Christmas novelty songs is “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”, performed in 1979 by Elmo and Patsy. This is a playful if a bit gruesome brew of Christmas nog designed to bring a snicker to your face. The focal point of the song is clear: Granny nipped the booze, stumbles out into the snow and, you guessed it, gets trampled to death by Santa’s adorable, eight tiny reindeer. Written by Randy Brooks, this song has become a Christmas favorite over the years. If you’re looking for a copy, try to get the one by Elmo and Patsy first, before their divorce. Elmo made subsequent recordings, but many love the one with his wife the best.
8. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Okay, we’ve a fun addition to our list of the worst Christmas songs. This one stars a 10 year old Gayla Peevey as a young girl chirping her desires to get a hippo for Christmas. Believe it or not, this song by composer John Rox peaked at number 24 on Billboards 1953 Pop chart. Why? Who knows. Perhaps it’s because it handily walks the fine line between the Black Death and “O Holy Night”? Hey, who knows. But for all you kids who wished for a Hippo and never got yours? Well, it’s good to know that you’re not alone.
7. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
Here it is, another Christmas song we seem to love to hate. So much so that it’s been part of our cornucopia of Christmas songs since it was first recorded, in 1948 by Spike Jones and his City Slickers. This Christmas gem was composed in 1944 by Donald Yetter Gardner and did peak at number one in 1949. Since then it’s been covered by a vast array of artists including Ray Stevens, The Platters and even Nat King Cole.
6. Merry Christmas from the Family
Definitely not “Silent Night” this holiday parody from Robert Earl Keen, isn’t really horrible. In a way, one could say that it carelessly skips and pirouettes through airwaves, pointing out some of the more ‘real’ aspects of many family Christmas celebrations:
Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can’t remember how I’m kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night
In effect, if you’re searching to send an ‘anti-Hallmark’ traditional Christmas song to that someone special, then there’s a good chance that this song is for you.
5. Dominick the Donkey
Let’s just say that this is no “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. Indeed, this is one of the most disliked Christmas tunes out there, one you’ll find on almost every list of the worst Christmas songs. So, who are we to leave it off our list? In fact, if you can even make it through the muck and mire of Dominick’s repeated “Hee Haws”, you’re a stronger person than most. This song by Lou Monte was released to an unwitting public in 1960, and has since flourished receiving much airplay during the holidays.
4. The Best Christmas Song
No words. This song is an absolute nightmare, but then again, that’s probably the point. Composed and performed by Canadian comic Jon Lajoie, this is another song which you’ll find on a majority of worst Christmas songs lists. Released as a single in 2012, “The Best Christmas Song” is cringe worthy at best. The lyrics aren’t clever, and there is no rhythm whatsoever. If there is a point to it, it’s a good bet most of us have happily missed it. Look forward to seeing it as a torture device in the next SAW installment.
3. Tiny Tim – Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS this Year
Famous for his song, “Tip Toe Through the Tulips”, Tiny Tim was a quirky entertainer of yesteryear, who wrote and performed this song before it was known how devastating this illness was. Still, it’s a horrid Christmas parody song, which is why it’s seen on many of the worst Christmas songs lists. According to Songfacts, the song was composed in 1980, before 1982, when the acronym AIDS came into being. Tiny Time was supposedly talking about AYDS, a very tasty diet candy which acted to quell dieters appetites during that time.
2. Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
Composed by Mary and William Danoff, this song is among one of the more dark entries into our list of the worst Christmas songs. As you can guess from the title, it’s about a small boy who is begging that his daddy not fall down drunk in a puddle of his own sick on Christmas. Knowing John Denver’s squeaky clean image that he cultivated during his career with his wholesome country songs, environmental work, family orientated television specials, it’s hard to guess what was going on in his head with this one. The man who coined the phrase, “Far Out!” must have been hurting inside somewhere to record such a dark and disturbing Christmas song, which went against his public relations created, wholesome personality.
1. Back Door Santa
Oh dear, where do we begin. Let’s just start by saying that “Back Door” doesn’t refer to an alternate point of entry when there is no chimney. Nope. If you thought it was all about nookie, well you were right:
They call me Back Door Santa,
I make my runs about the break of day,
I make all the little girls happy,
While the boys are out to play.
Most who hear it consider it not cool, especially as it does get airplay during the Christmas holidays. However, be that as it may…we are searching for the worst Christmas songs, so this fits the bill quite nicely. Composed by Clarence Carter and Marcus Daniel, it was part of the 1968, Soul Christmas album.